My random everyday thoughts

So as I sit here having a smoke and coffee and enjoying my 10 mins of.peace my mind is left to wonder about life and my purpose in life. While I am very grateful for my 6 kids I often wonder how different. My life would be and the types of things I would be doing and how much I would of changed.

Before kids I was popping pills, out clubng, drinking every weekend and working 60 hour work weeks. Now that I have kids I don’t do any of that. I play with my kids from the moment they get up to the moment they Go to bed, I don’t work now as I can’t because of my back, I study when I get a chance to. I’m for ever doing house work and cooking. I would so love to have a social life though my apparent friends are always to busy And never have time for me.

I dont have the energy most days to leave the house and do something so then in turn I am left to be at home and watch TV while I do thibgs.

I am engaged to be married next year and I am so looking forward to That as its keeping me busy though what’s after that? What do I do then? What purpose would my life have???

Most of the time I’m to shit scared to Leave the house to be honest as I am scared I am going to run into J  or I am going to have him show up on my door step again. As he still doesn’t get the picture even with protection/ restraining orders in place. There is another court case again in may though I’m guessing it will be agurned yet again even though the police has souch evidence against him that he will go to jail… 

So with all this going on in have lost me I don’t even know who I am anymore or what/who I am be..  Is the me I am now even worthy of anything? Am I even worth a persons love? 

Life

Well I really don’t know where to start….  Things have been pretty full on dom has been really full on.  He goes to a paediatrician shortly to be assessed then of to kids mental health for trauma counciling…  Lucy is doing well she has became more demanding and is also just about walking…

I really wish my friends would come and visit.  I don’t think I have had one friend come and visit me I think that’s because of jordan.  Though jordan is no longer around any more

So much has happened

Oh wow where do I begin, so much has happened lately I really don’t know where to start…. Jordan and I are completely over no getting back together or anything….I have the protection orders in place so he can contact me or come anywhere near me though do you think that has stopped him???? I’ve had threats and even now he is stalking….

I really thought that it was the chick that went all crazy when u broke up with them… Not the dude… 

So I have already breached him for just rocking up here and being abusive…. I’m just waiting for the cops to call me to go in and have my phone downloaded so they can see all the text and calls etc so that will be the 5th breech plus stLki g on top of that

Though the house is so stress free I tell you… Domonic  is in a great mood no lo her moody like he was…. I’m a lot more calmer and a lot more stress free
Let just say life is great….

Do this do that

I’m so sick of people tell always telling me to do this to do that, to do this, to do that

People saying that it’s so easy where in fact you know what it isn’t every situation is different no situation is ever the same is so easy for you to give your two cents worth tho push comes to shove where are you there are all these people saying all I could do that you should be doing this you should be doing that well you know what how many people do I have at my doorstep right now yes that is right absolutely zero so far I have got through pretty much everything I’ve ever done on my own and I’m guessing it’s pretty much still going to be the same so easy for someone to say if I was in your shoes I would do this where is all this help 

I really wish someone would invent a thing that writes down what ever you are thinking… I always have so much doing through my head though can never get it out. Every time.I try to it tends to offend someone and I can’t say it….

I swear if I was honest about everything mouths would drop… I can’t just say what’s ony mind, as it will or would hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad etc…. That’s why I’m glad I  doing a writing course (when I actually get a chance to study) that way I can just put it all in a book. 

It gets so lonely here people don’t visit any.more quess that’s just my fault as well….. Everything is my fault I’ve noticed…. I do as I’m told still.not good enough…. I do what I can toake people happy… Guess what still not good enough… People only tend to either talk toe.or see me when they want something…

So screw it I’m just going to be the person I want to be and the person I want my children. To remember. On over trying to please people, I’m over getting bullied, I’m over getting put down though most of all I’m over being told what to do… Like bloody hell I’m 30 years old I’m a grown adult I don’t need to be taking orders from people… And if anyone is actually reading this and getting pissed off about it or feeling guilty about something then the shoe fits so wear it… I’m no ones door mat anymore  not going to be pushed around by anyone I don’t care who you are… You could be the pope for all I care

Life

Its funny how life turns out, you spend most of your life trying to have one, making sure you have everything you need, and have a plan.

I know that I had my life planned out before I was 18, I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted my life to go etc.

Though let me say this, it has all turned.to shit. To be honest I was married to young (ladies never be in a rush to get married), all i have done since 2008 is spit out 6 kids. I am now 30, I am divorced, and the partner that I have had for just under 3 years that I could see the rest of life with has said we are having a “break”

Let just say my whole life has turned into  shit. I have no year 12 certificate. I have enrolled into numerous courses that I have never seen the end of, 

I life in a smashed up housing commission house, I have a car that’s my my partners(or now ex partner I have no.idea) fathers partners car that can get taken off me at time leaving me stranded withe between 2-5 kids at any given moment… I have debit up to my eye balls can’t get a loan any where, and I have just enrolled into a $1790 course ( watch me fuck that up to). I have no family.around, I have 1 friend that lives close by though other than that I have no one… I know no one else’s problem, only mine
So see you can have.your whole life mapped out though in honestly it can all turn into shit in the blink of an eye

Emotions

Today I have so many emotiins running through my body and my head…

I thought that I was fine as I kept myself busy with the kids all morning, though when I finally had a chance to just sit, I was flooded by all these emotions

I’m angry , I’m sad, I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel abandoned, I feel hated, I feel used, I feel not good enough, I feel empty…
Its just hit like this black hole is up to the side of me and its just sucking everything out of me. The more I try to tell myself that I am ok, the more my head and heart tell me otherwise.. 
So I just sit here numb