What’s next

This might be a bit deep for some people, though i have been thinking about it for a while.

My question is.

What next once we die?

Everyone has their own views and thats great though i have really been thinking about this

I have died twice, once during childbirth due to blood loss and second time was from an overdose

And with both those time i didnt have a white light, or people standing there with open arms. There was nothing. Zip zilch nadda…. It was just black…..

Like dont get me wrong im in now way saying there is nothing after we die as i would really love for there to be

I did see a facebook post ages ago saying

“I wonder if the white light that we are meant to see when we die, is really us being born out of someone elses vigina ”

That post really got me thinking maybe its right? Who knows.

Id love to know other peoples thoughts


People always say things happen for a reason. Do we always know what that reason is?

Is life meant to test us at every turning point? When does life get easier? What is the meaning of life?

I have these questions go through my head every single day. Most days well infact everyday i dont have an answer. I guess i just put it down to

Life is what you make it

My life has taken a massive turn. It used to be filled with DV, drugs, and mental health issues. Now its all changed

Im getting married in 15 days to a man i cant even put into words, he is loving, kind, has a big heart and the list could go on. I am carrying his daughter im 21 weeks today. And so far i havent had any complications touch wood

Im so used to everything being so shit innmy life, that i am always on edge waiting for the shoe to drop and to see what i am used to. Though you know what? Thats not going to happen. Blake is the complete opposite to any person i have ever been with. He isnt violant one bit, he doesnt treat me like shit, he doesnt expect me to wait on him hand and foot. He is truely a gentelman. His mum has done an amazing job.

I keep thinking he is going to run for the hills and decide that this life isnt for him. What i feel for him i have never felt for anyone ever before. Is this my kama finally? Is this finally my happy ending? Finally after everything i have been through am i truely allowed to be happy? I have honestly found my one and only

Being a parent

I must admit that being a parent isn’t what I first thought it would be.

It looked so bloody easy and there is no manual for raising a child even though they should be born with one 

There are days when me Kids go to bed and I’m like wow I rock as a parent then there are other days I’m like oh well I failed today so bad, though at least they are alive. 

I now know the true meaning of unconditional love as it doesn’t matter how good, naughty etc my child is I would still go to the moon and back for them.

How much life changes

So I’ve been sitting here think about life and where my life was going and now where its going. And in the span of 3 years my life has changed that much I have changed that much I’m not the same person I was 3 years ago.
Going through and surfing domestic violence. Being suicidal to having nurmerouse attempts on my life. Overcoming mental health issues, beating addictions. And pulling myself up from.rock bottom
The sad thing is now when I look around no one is there. My family pretty much have nothing to do with me, yes I know they lo have a life and I dont hold that against them. Though how hard is it to text or inbox just to say hello?

All the people who I thought were my friends are the same I have maybe 5 if that that now keep in contact with me or see me 

I know that everyone has lives and that people fall apart 

Though in so sick of sitting here all the time feeling so alone! Or not feeling good enough for anyone 

A lot of time has passed

Wow I have so much I need to fill in here… 

I always tell myself I will make daily/weekly posts and what happens? I go months without posting…
Well first off I am getting married in 110 days  its going to be here at home, in the back yard nothing fancy just a back yard wedding/reception Blake and I were meant to be getting married July next year though we decided to move it forward
Secondly this has happened

I’m due mid December

Though my track record I think bub will be here October/November….

My random everyday thoughts

So as I sit here having a smoke and coffee and enjoying my 10 mins of.peace my mind is left to wonder about life and my purpose in life. While I am very grateful for my 6 kids I often wonder how different. My life would be and the types of things I would be doing and how much I would of changed.

Before kids I was popping pills, out clubng, drinking every weekend and working 60 hour work weeks. Now that I have kids I don’t do any of that. I play with my kids from the moment they get up to the moment they Go to bed, I don’t work now as I can’t because of my back, I study when I get a chance to. I’m for ever doing house work and cooking. I would so love to have a social life though my apparent friends are always to busy And never have time for me.

I dont have the energy most days to leave the house and do something so then in turn I am left to be at home and watch TV while I do thibgs.

I am engaged to be married next year and I am so looking forward to That as its keeping me busy though what’s after that? What do I do then? What purpose would my life have???

Most of the time I’m to shit scared to Leave the house to be honest as I am scared I am going to run into J  or I am going to have him show up on my door step again. As he still doesn’t get the picture even with protection/ restraining orders in place. There is another court case again in may though I’m guessing it will be agurned yet again even though the police has souch evidence against him that he will go to jail… 

So with all this going on in have lost me I don’t even know who I am anymore or what/who I am be..  Is the me I am now even worthy of anything? Am I even worth a persons love? 


Well I really don’t know where to start….  Things have been pretty full on dom has been really full on.  He goes to a paediatrician shortly to be assessed then of to kids mental health for trauma counciling…  Lucy is doing well she has became more demanding and is also just about walking…

I really wish my friends would come and visit.  I don’t think I have had one friend come and visit me I think that’s because of jordan.  Though jordan is no longer around any more