Do this do that

I’m so sick of people tell always telling me to do this to do that, to do this, to do that

People saying that it’s so easy where in fact you know what it isn’t every situation is different no situation is ever the same is so easy for you to give your two cents worth tho push comes to shove where are you there are all these people saying all I could do that you should be doing this you should be doing that well you know what how many people do I have at my doorstep right now yes that is right absolutely zero so far I have got through pretty much everything I’ve ever done on my own and I’m guessing it’s pretty much still going to be the same so easy for someone to say if I was in your shoes I would do this where is all this help 

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I really wish someone would invent a thing that writes down what ever you are thinking… I always have so much doing through my head though can never get it out. Every time.I try to it tends to offend someone and I can’t say it….

I swear if I was honest about everything mouths would drop… I can’t just say what’s ony mind, as it will or would hurt someone’s feelings or make them feel bad etc…. That’s why I’m glad I  doing a writing course (when I actually get a chance to study) that way I can just put it all in a book. 

It gets so lonely here people don’t visit any.more quess that’s just my fault as well….. Everything is my fault I’ve noticed…. I do as I’m told still.not good enough…. I do what I can toake people happy… Guess what still not good enough… People only tend to either talk toe.or see me when they want something…

So screw it I’m just going to be the person I want to be and the person I want my children. To remember. On over trying to please people, I’m over getting bullied, I’m over getting put down though most of all I’m over being told what to do… Like bloody hell I’m 30 years old I’m a grown adult I don’t need to be taking orders from people… And if anyone is actually reading this and getting pissed off about it or feeling guilty about something then the shoe fits so wear it… I’m no ones door mat anymore  not going to be pushed around by anyone I don’t care who you are… You could be the pope for all I care

Life

Its funny how life turns out, you spend most of your life trying to have one, making sure you have everything you need, and have a plan.

I know that I had my life planned out before I was 18, I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted my life to go etc.

Though let me say this, it has all turned.to shit. To be honest I was married to young (ladies never be in a rush to get married), all i have done since 2008 is spit out 6 kids. I am now 30, I am divorced, and the partner that I have had for just under 3 years that I could see the rest of life with has said we are having a “break”

Let just say my whole life has turned into  shit. I have no year 12 certificate. I have enrolled into numerous courses that I have never seen the end of, 

I life in a smashed up housing commission house, I have a car that’s my my partners(or now ex partner I have no.idea) fathers partners car that can get taken off me at time leaving me stranded withe between 2-5 kids at any given moment… I have debit up to my eye balls can’t get a loan any where, and I have just enrolled into a $1790 course ( watch me fuck that up to). I have no family.around, I have 1 friend that lives close by though other than that I have no one… I know no one else’s problem, only mine
So see you can have.your whole life mapped out though in honestly it can all turn into shit in the blink of an eye

Emotions

Today I have so many emotiins running through my body and my head…

I thought that I was fine as I kept myself busy with the kids all morning, though when I finally had a chance to just sit, I was flooded by all these emotions

I’m angry , I’m sad, I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel abandoned, I feel hated, I feel used, I feel not good enough, I feel empty…
Its just hit like this black hole is up to the side of me and its just sucking everything out of me. The more I try to tell myself that I am ok, the more my head and heart tell me otherwise.. 
So I just sit here numb