My random everyday thoughts

So as I sit here having a smoke and coffee and enjoying my 10 mins of.peace my mind is left to wonder about life and my purpose in life. While I am very grateful for my 6 kids I often wonder how different. My life would be and the types of things I would be doing and how much I would of changed.

Before kids I was popping pills, out clubng, drinking every weekend and working 60 hour work weeks. Now that I have kids I don’t do any of that. I play with my kids from the moment they get up to the moment they Go to bed, I don’t work now as I can’t because of my back, I study when I get a chance to. I’m for ever doing house work and cooking. I would so love to have a social life though my apparent friends are always to busy And never have time for me.

I dont have the energy most days to leave the house and do something so then in turn I am left to be at home and watch TV while I do thibgs.

I am engaged to be married next year and I am so looking forward to That as its keeping me busy though what’s after that? What do I do then? What purpose would my life have???

Most of the time I’m to shit scared to Leave the house to be honest as I am scared I am going to run into J  or I am going to have him show up on my door step again. As he still doesn’t get the picture even with protection/ restraining orders in place. There is another court case again in may though I’m guessing it will be agurned yet again even though the police has souch evidence against him that he will go to jail… 

So with all this going on in have lost me I don’t even know who I am anymore or what/who I am be..  Is the me I am now even worthy of anything? Am I even worth a persons love?