Its funny how life turns out, you spend most of your life trying to have one, making sure you have everything you need, and have a plan.
I know that I had my life planned out before I was 18, I knew what I wanted to do, where I wanted my life to go etc.
Though let me say this, it has all turned.to shit. To be honest I was married to young (ladies never be in a rush to get married), all i have done since 2008 is spit out 6 kids. I am now 30, I am divorced, and the partner that I have had for just under 3 years that I could see the rest of life with has said we are having a “break”
Let just say my whole life has turned into shit. I have no year 12 certificate. I have enrolled into numerous courses that I have never seen the end of,
I life in a smashed up housing commission house, I have a car that’s my my partners(or now ex partner I have no.idea) fathers partners car that can get taken off me at time leaving me stranded withe between 2-5 kids at any given moment… I have debit up to my eye balls can’t get a loan any where, and I have just enrolled into a $1790 course ( watch me fuck that up to). I have no family.around, I have 1 friend that lives close by though other than that I have no one… I know no one else’s problem, only mine
So see you can have.your whole life mapped out though in honestly it can all turn into shit in the blink of an eye
Today I have so many emotiins running through my body and my head…
I thought that I was fine as I kept myself busy with the kids all morning, though when I finally had a chance to just sit, I was flooded by all these emotions
I’m angry , I’m sad, I feel lost, I feel alone, I feel abandoned, I feel hated, I feel used, I feel not good enough, I feel empty…
Its just hit like this black hole is up to the side of me and its just sucking everything out of me. The more I try to tell myself that I am ok, the more my head and heart tell me otherwise..
So I just sit here numb
Understand how people can copy other people or why they do like I have people come in my life like seriously my life isn’t that great to be honest it’s nothing that someone should want to have to be honest um it doesn’t matter what I seem to do there’s always that one person that has two then go and do it themselves it doesn’t matter whether it’s from work or whether it’s pregnancy related or whether it is to do with Home life or arguing with my partner or anything to do with me in general there is always that one person that always have to copy what I am doing and to be honest it really pisses me off why do your own life I’m sure you could have a much better life than I have so why do you want to be like me for are you jealous do you envy what I have why is everything that I do what I have or I go through have to be the same as you it doesn’t matter of it’s about anything and like her own life stop trying to be like me you know what you are never going to be like me you were never going to be me and general you’re nothing like me so grow up act your age and get your own life it is not that hard seriously it is really pathetic
What is it seriously that makes my life so appealing that you have to have my life it’s almost getting to the point where it could be fraud like seriously do you have to do everything that I do can you seriously get off your pedestal and grow up like come on it infuriates mean lying are you jealous like come on
As we all know people have choices to make the choices are regarding life work family anything you name it you have a choice you either have a good choice or a bad choice it all depends on I guess the choice that you made with how things react so with me at the moment I seriously feel like I am everyone’s second third fourth fifth ect choice.
I never feel like anyone ever comes to me first I always feel that I’m only ever useful if no one else is around or no whenever I can get things done I’m not sure why people do this or even why I feel like this but it’s heartbreaking in a way it makes me feel like I’m not worth people’s time or I’m only worth it if I got something to give I’m not sure really maybe it’s just my head maybe it’s the truth but yeah I just I really don’t have any any um I don’t even know how to finish that question or answer it or anything like that I’m just I’m stuck why can’t I ever be someone’s First Choice like why can’t anyone ever want to just have something to do with me first why do I always have to be the second third fourth fifth sixth you keep going choice
So i wish today would just make its mind up, one minute its nice and sunny the next it spitting then raining.
So nothing has been able to get done today no point doing the washing as it wont dry and lets face it, it will always be there tomorrow.
Im meant to give the dog a bath though its just to cold to do it to the poor girl.
So instead today i have been making more Soy Wax Melts to get ready for our market stall on the 14th. my house is full of all these smells, its quiet good cos now the house doesnt smell of dirty dog LOL.
As ive been sitting out side to have a smoke ive noticed the amount of stupid drivers that our street has. the way they race up and down is just stupid as there are a lot of young children that live in our street that really arent that smart and i guess when i say young that i mean year 5 or 6 possibly.. though because we also live on the corner of another street the dickhead just skreetch into the court Jordan was almost hit by a car last night as he was crossing the road
I really dont like the street that we live on, though there isnt to much i can do about it, its not like it was back when i was young you really cant let your kids play in the street any more…
our dog doesnt like anything on wheels she will bark and bark and bark and it really sucks, and the stupid kids up the street know this so what do they do?? go up and down past our house on rollerblades/skates or their bikes and stop out front of our place and egg the dog on or they will just go up and down all day long i really want to say somthing to them though i keep my mouth shut the kids seem like they are allowed to get away with anything…
any way thats it for now guess ill write more again soon
People seem to think because I’m a stay at home mum with a 2 year old who goes to child care 4 days a week and a 7 month old who isn’t crawling yet that all I do is sit on my butt all day. So I decided to start counting the steps that I do in a day
Mind you I have a small 3 bedroom place and it takes less than 20 steps to walk from one end to another.though most days I don’t have my phone on me, I leave it outside. Though recently I decided to keep it on me at all times bellow is a screen shot of one of my normal days
Mind you this isn’t one of my most active days. Though for a really small house I think that this is quiet good. I’m normally on my feet most of the time. Though I find it hard to get the app to count all the steps or it doesn’t pick up as many due to where my pocket is
I do have my lazy days where I hardly do anything. Though I am normally quiet active